I stare at the blinking cursor on my laptop screen
And I feel like I’m being mocked.
I grab my vibrant pastels and drawing pad,
but the page remains unmarred.
My guitar is dusty and out of tune,
so I’m typing up my frustrations instead.
I’m emptied of ideas and notions,
And my brain and fingers are uncooperative accomplices.
No inspiration flowing through my being.
It doesn’t help this flesh is unwilling.
Rather than let the unwilling win,
I’m typing up my frustrations instead.
There’s a part of me that feels useless,
that I’m doomed to failure before I start.
A voice often whispers, “What’s the point?
“Why start? It’s going to suck anyway.”
I’m here on my laptop, fighting the best way I know,
by typing up my frustrations instead.
To wait until inspiration strikes is unwise.
Many times, you have to work even if your soul feels dry.
You have to write, draw, or sing even it’s uninspired nonsense,
Even if your whole being fights against you.
At the end, you’ll have something to show for it,
Which is why I’m typing up my frustrations instead.
(First, a major congratulations to Brant Hansen on his new job as “Storyteller” with CURE Hospitals! I know he’ll be brilliant at it and CURE is such a fantastic organization; they heal kids, the ABSOLUTE least of these, in the name of Jesus. If you want to learn more about CURE, click here. If you want to read Brant’s blog or listen to his podcasts, click here. Second, I had a hard time coming up with this week’s blog post but, then, I had a conversation with a friend this weekend that helped inspire what you’re about to read.)
“Nice essay, Cindy!”
These were the words that greeted me when I opened up an e-mail alerting me that my instructor had reviewed my most recent essay. Those words were truly unexpected.
For as long as I can remember, my writing has always been praised. I rarely received anything lower than a B on my research papers, essays, and articles. The exceptions to this were the two creative writing classes I took in college. Though I love telling stories and thought I was a good writer, the red ink of my teachers’ pens told me otherwise. I did well in both classes, after MUCH hard work, but I had my reservations of whether I had what it took to become a novelist.
Before you read the rest of this entry, listen to the audio below. I can wait.
Hopefully you got through that. I’m sorry if my thoughts sounded all over the place and super sorry I sound like a twelve year old (that’s something I can’t help). I recorded those thoughts exactly a year ago and had to convince myself it was worth keeping. I found that recording a few weeks ago and it’s a BIG deal that I’m sharing them. That experience in college happened almost almost ten years ago and I still struggle with fear, particularly my fear my writing is just not good enough.
I hate that.
I hate that I write all these rough drafts and never go back to edit them. I hate that I don’t show my writing to people for feedback. I hate that these thoughts of being an inferior writer often control me and I just don’t write. Fear fuels all of this.
I’m tired of being paralyzed and discouraged. Which is why I’m writing this post and actually making it public for all the world to read (or at least one person, perhaps).
The truth is, I’m doing this to push myself to write more. That’s why I’m also taking an on-line writing class and doing Camp Nano. I need every bit of motivation I can get to keep writing, even if it can be overwhelming.
I’d love to be a published novelist. What writer wouldn’t love such an opportunity? However, the reason I write is bigger than being a New York Times bestseller or getting lucrative advances from a publishing house. The reason I allow myself to bleed words through a pen or a computer keyboard is because I love to create and love to tell the stories or thoughts that rattle around in my mind. I want to use every ability the Creator has gifted me with (yes, I brought God into this post. Tough.) and I want to burn out bright rather than die with unused potential.
Here goes everything.
My initial goal is to post something new every Monday. That can be a short story, an essay, or something I’m currently working on. It could also be me venting, so be prepared for that too. Topics of faith may be brought up, but I’ll give you a fair warning before each post if you aren’t into Jesus or God.
Until next time.